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Martha Stewart keeps clapping back at Jim Comey, and we’re here for it.

Updated: Jul 8, 2023

On October 8, 2004, Martha Stewart reported to Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia. It was a surprising and embarrassing takedown for America’s rich and famous socialite. It wasn’t the most popular imprisonment either, because while she had some jealous detractors, Martha Stewart was also an icon. An institution. No one could set a table, whip up an elegant meal, decorate a home, grace a magazine cover, design her own line of household luxuries, or get people to pay for all that she did like Martha.


What happened? That’s still a good question. She was investigated for insider trading after selling off stock in a pharmaceutical company, right before its newest drug was rejected by the FDA, and before the stock value tanked. But what the prosecutor thought he could prove and ultimately got a conviction for were charges of obstruction of justice and lying to federal investigators about the stock transaction.


That prosecutor was Jim Comey, then the United States Attorney for the Southern District of New York.


“Martha Stewart is being prosecuted not for who she is, but because of what she did,” Comey said when he announced the charges. He reasoned that, why not prosecute a famous person for those actions, because “If it was Jane Doe, she would have been prosecuted.” (Come on, now, Mr. Comey. The bad actors who brought us the Great Recession were sentenced to…bonuses.)


Stewart spent five months in prison with the Bureau of Prisons ID number 55170-054 and the inmate nickname. “M. Diddy.” Then she was released to five months house arrest. Let’s face it. While limiting her activities and even with an ankle bracelet rubbing up against her designer shoes, it couldn’t have been too bad. We’re talking about house arrest at her 153-acre Bedford, New York estate.


Once the chains were off, Our Lady of Unbelievable Entrepreneurship got back down to the business of Good Things, running her company, hosting her TV shows, and selling, selling, and selling her line of products. Over the past couple of decades, she evolved into even greater levels of success, and isn’t showing any signs of slowing down, not anytime soon.


“My new motto,” she said, “is when you’re through changing, you’re through.”


It’s only fair to point out that Jim Comey advanced in his career during this time as well. He served as United States Deputy Attorney General in the George Bush administration and was appointed by President Obama to lead the FBI in 2013. Unlike the Supreme Court, the position of FBI Director is not a lifetime meal ticket; it has a ten-year term limit. And Comey lasted in the role for just four.


After Donald Trump won the 2016 Presidential election – wait -- “won” may be a strong term for a guy who lost the popular vote, so let me rephrase that. After Donald Trump became President, he had a number of run-ins with Comey and fired him. Some of my fellow Dems decried the move, but I personally wondered if President Obama should have fired Comey, because of the way he yanked Hillary Clinton around on the eve of her historic nomination and again days before the 2016 election.


In any case, Comey’s admirers contend he cried all the way to the bank after the Trump dump. His 2018 book, A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership,” sold over 600,000 copies in the first week alone.


But if the memoir sold like hotcakes, Martha Stewart poured her famous maple syrup all over “Dear James’” stack. Her net worth as of last year was reported to be $400 million. She parlayed her longtime friendship with rap artist Snoop Dogg into profit – big profit. Only those two could poke fun at their time in prison and make a mint doing so. Both partnered with the 19 Crimes winery to produce their own labels – he has the Cali Red and Cali Rose, and she has Chardonnay. In fact, for 30 bucks, you can get a two-pack. I might advise her to make some red and white blends to serve as the house wine in her new, Las Vegas luxury restaurant, The Bedford. That’s right, she could call those blends "House Arrest." She’ll probably pass on that free recommendation. She seriously doesn’t need the money.


Martha and Snoop’s fans fans broke the internet watching their Skechers Super Bowl 2023 commercial featuring the pair (and pairs of sneakers) in of all places, the Oval Office. In another version of the ad, Martha gets a tattoo of Snoop Dogg on her arm. That’s badass.


Then, in a really bold moment this spring, Martha Stewart, at 81, became the oldest person ever featured on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. Sure, there were some meows online when caustic women posted, “She’s had work done.” My guess is that at least half the people posting that smut would not look as great at 81, or even at 31. See the video about her photoshoot here.


Postscript: Not yet. I’m sure there’s more to come from Martha Stewart. Jim Comey has now officially tried his hand at fiction, releasing a book called, “Central West: A Crime Novel.” A Washington Post reviewer said that “helping to deliver four years of Donald Trump is not the worst thing Comey has ever done” and called the novel “short on thrills.” I wouldn’t know. I haven’t read it. But I am on my way to the mall to buy a pair of slip on Skechers.


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